Surrender

Sometimes you just have to give in. Surrender.

Since the new year began I have been somewhat determined to get myself "out there", doing things, making friends, making this "thing" happen! But it has not quite worked out that way, at least not so far anyway. Apparently, according to the planets and the stars that is no surprise; it was not a good time for new starts at the beginning of January due to various cosmic configurations and influences. Whether or not you believe that is neither here nor there, I mention it because I took note of it, found it interesting and it helped me not to be so hard on myself for not having made as much progress with my "new life" as I would have liked.

At this point I could start up again about how hard it can be to make new friends in a new country, how challenging it can be to find satisfying things to do when you have no job to go to, how lonely it can be when you are in a new and exciting part of the world but your husband seems either never to be home or is constantly working all hours of the day and night. All the negatives!

We, as humans are good at picking out all the negative things about our lives. Especially us Brits I fear :-) So...I'm not going to rant on about any of the above...I am noticing them all though, and some days more than others. I find that staying present helps to stop the "What ifs" and the "I remember whens" and it's where I try to spend my time these days..even if I'm not exactly where I want to be, I trust that I am exactly where I am meant to be.

So in addition to the planets not being in perfect alignment during the last few weeks, I managed to catch a cold which has stuck around for over a week now. I did my best to completely ignore it for the best part of a week until it started to get even worse, at which point, I decided to surrender. I cancelled my evening plans and made my way home through the Hong Kong rush hour. Not a good place to be when you have a streaming cold and a head that feels like it is about to explode. Anyway, I got back to the apartment and stayed there for 2 days. The most amazing part is that the roof top work and the construction below us both appeared to end on that very day so I actually had a Sanctuary to wallow in. It was quite a momentous occasion. This is the first time since our arrival, with the exception of Sundays and public holidays that the apartment has been peaceful. I was almost glad that I was ill and had an excuse to spend some quiet time in this new quiet place I'd found! I cancelled all the plans I'd made for the following two days and had some much needed "hermit" time.

Alan has been away again this week so it really has been solitary time for me and my mind has been very active, even if my body hasn't. I've noticed that it's not so much that I'm not very good at making friends, it's that I am very selective with my friends :-) I am not really interested in vague and superficial conversation. It's not that I can't do it...but that I don't want to do it. My friendships are relationships which call for a certain level of commitment and I like that.

I've noticed that I want to do things, see new places, learn new skills but my time is still precious to me, despite how much of it I have these days. I don't want to throw myself into a million things that have little value to me. I'd rather do one thing a week that really resonates with me and I feel good about. So I don't take up every single opportunity presented to me...only if it appeals to me and resonates on some level. Now this, I fear, is where I am (supposedly) "missing out". And I feel this is where judgement may arise. Judgement from "other people". Judgement that I am sensitive to, despite my own beliefs. But once again I need to remind myself that I can only experience this MY way. There is no point pretending to be somebody I'm not just to get a bit more social activity and I'm OK with that. The consensus for expats in Hong Kong seems to be "do as much as you can, just keep busy and you'll be fine. Before long you will have so many friends/acquaintances that you won't have enough time to fit it all in". That is just not my style.

Having said all that, I have to cut this post short because I have a date. Afternoon tea at the Grand Hyatt with a few ladies. I figure I like tea and I like nice hotels and I like conversation with my tea and cake...and you never know, today may be the day when the conversation manages to get past the essential niceties and introductions that go hand in hand with these events.